Li'l Mercenaries
by smash619
Summary: After the Admin signs a deal with Badlands' youth foundation, the mercs have to teach nine 10-year old children about their line of work! Seems simple, right?
1. Chapter 1

Li'l Mercenaries

It was a quiet summer's day in 2Fort. Scout was bothering Heavy by threatening to bonk Sasha with his bat if he didn't share his sandviches with him. Engineer was keeping his sentry defences up. Sniper and Spy were having a game of Knife Razorback Scope.

Yep, it was just a normal ceasefire day, you could literally see the boredom leaking from the walls of the BLU base.

"Oi! Yer mongrel! You full well know I pulled Razorback. Knife does not beat Razorback." The BLU Sniper shouted. He was quite competitive for someone who was polite.

"I beg to differ, filthy jar-man. You tried to pull a Scope, but shifted it to Razorback when you saw my Knife, therefore I win."

"Dummkopfs!"

The arguing duo turned their necks to the Medic who so-rudely interrupted their poorly cloned Rock-Paper-Scissors game.

"There is a meeting in the dinner hall in 5 minutes. The Administrator has a big announcement. Also our shipment of Mann Co. Crates arrive, have your keys at the ready."

Medic turned to leave, but before he stepped out the door he turned back to the duo who were standing up and brushing the dust off of their laps.

"By the way. Herr Spy won that round."

Sniper growled while Spy just chuckled with that look on his face, the one that said "The outcome was never really in doubt."

"And Sniper, please for the love of God, stop storing jars of urine. It's completely unhygienic… And it stinks."

And with that, Medic finally left the room. Sniper was not impressed. Not only had he lost to frog-legs. He'd also been asked to stop performing the legendary art of Jarate! Once one had learned the art, it cannot be forgotton, as the soul is forever bound to the God of Piss, Jaraea.

Meanwhile, the rest of the guys had gathered in the Dinner Hall, ready to hear the announcement that the Admin was prepared to give, as each of the seven mercenaries who were present at the time slumped down in the chairs around the main table, (Heavy's creaked furiously.) Sniper and Spy quickly rushed in and sat in the two empty chairs remaining. A fraction of a second after Spy had taken his seat did the familiar face of the wrinkled devil appear before the mercs.

"All present? Good…" The voice of the woman in purple boomed through the speakers. All nine mercenaries remained still, not uttering a sound.

"Well then. It's that time of the month mercenaries, your crates will arrive shortly."

Just then, the silence was broken, eight out of nine mercenaries cheered and whooped. Oh how they loved crate day. The anticipation of getting a shiny new weapon that has a kill counter, or even better. The Unusuals…

Unusual items are the rarest items one could ever come across in a crate. It started long ago in a Mann Co. Factory when Saxton was experimenting on Triboniophorus Tyrannus, a rare species of animal that when attached to a human head can take over the brain and give them commands… Like burning things for example.

One day Saxton dropped quicklime mixed with powdered Australium and his Breakfast Steak into a cage with a Tyrannus into it, the aforementioned ingredients caused the animal to have a chemical reaction, turning it into a weird effect, from flames to bubbles. Since Saxton was in all honesty, an idiot. He attached the odd effects to hats and shipped them out. However, due to the rarity of Tyrannus and the fact that the hats just look plain awesome, Unusual hats are VERY rare and expensive. For every 100 crates that are shipped out, only one contains an Unusual.

The crates were dropped in front of each Mercenary by the Administrator's henchmen. Each of the men around the tables whipped out their keys faster than you could say . All nine men giggled with glee, waiting for the administrator to give the signal. The woman on the screen looked down upon all her men, produced a shiny yellow whistle… And blew into it.

Total carnage began.

Scout was the first to slam his key into the lock. His impatience ripped off the lock, quite literally. He didn't turn the key fully when he inserted it. So he ripped off the lock to the crate, not even using the key. Scout thought that the key would be good for one more use, but no. He bent it really badly.

The boy in his twenties slowly opened the crate…

"Aww man. Just some brown paint…"

Sniper opened his box and got a strange part for long-distance kills.

Without a word he slammed it onto his sniper rifle.

Spy got a Balloonicorn. (Well, according to Pyro anyway, Spy couldn't see nor feel anything in the box.)

Medic got a Minigun, Heavy got a Medi-gun, Pyro got a Scorch Shot, Engie got a Buckaroo's Hat.

"Dang, if only an Unusual…" Engineer said somewhat dissapointingly. Scout tapped on his shoulder impatiently.

"Well at least you GOT a hat! I got paint that as a matter of fact just looks like a bucket of sh-"

"Oh My Lord!"

The gruff voice of the Soilder boomed out from across the table. He slowly reached into his crate, grabbed the item that was inside and as he was withdrawing the hand, a radiant glow of yellow was appearing on his face. He pulled out the hat for all to see. Mouths dropped, tears were shed. And shouts of "NO! THAT AIN'T FAIR!" were being shouted from across the table.

A Sunbeams Team Captain.

The 8 unlucky Mercenaries stared at the now rich Soilder, then they all got the same idea.

"GET HIM!"

As the fully grown men jumped on top of the poor Soilder in a desperate scramble for the hat in the veteran's possession, a familiar voice angrily shouted from seemingly nowhere.

"Will you PLEASE get off of my employee, this is outrageous! Calm DOWN!"

The nine trained killers suddenly learned that their boss had witnessed the entire event that had just occurred. And she was not happy, not one bit.

"Now will you all compose yourselves? Our visitors will not be impressed at your idiotic behaviour!"

"Visitors?" Demoman spoke for the first time, mostly because he was too inebriated and trying but failing to unbox his crate in his drunken state.

"Yes. I have signed a deal with Badlands' youth program, they are sending nine 10-year olds to learn what you do for a living. They will learn every last thing you do, regardless of how secretive you are."

She then casted a dirty look toward Spy, who snarled mentally.

"So, we're going to teach ten year old children…" Medic started.

"Yes."

"How to be trained killers."

"Yes"

Looks of disbelief and worry were exchanged between the Mercenaries. These kids could be seriously hurt or even… Dare they say it, KILLED. Their kind of work was unsafe for little children. Suddenly Heavy stood up and bellowed in his deep voice,

"Heavy thinks that teaching literal tiny baby men is bad idea."

Nods of agreement were shared among the table, but the Administrator sighed while facepalming.

"It's too late for that now."

"Why?" Scout asked

"Because they're already here, in fact, they've been standing behind you for the past five minutes."

The nine men froze in horror, before slowly twisting their bodies to look behind them.

And sure enough, in all their glory. Were nine pre-teens, ready to learn.

"Eww! Who farted? Come on guys!" Came a voice from one of the boys. This was followed by immature giggling from the rest. After the small group had calmed down there was silence for about ten seconds, before Sniper said two words…

"Aww Piss."


	2. Chapter 2

Li'l Mercenaries

Chapter 2: A day with Sniper

The hardened men looked at the Administrator with disbelief, the woman on the screen said a final goodbye before turning the screen off, leaving the men and children alone with each other.

Sniper panicked. It was bad enough that they were left with children, but now they had to PICK one and take them under as their apprentice. Without hesitation Sniper's trained eyes furiously darted between each of the children before him, trying to pick out the most sensible looking of the lot.

His eyes rested on a small blonde girl with pigtails and a pink dress and quite sensible shoes, it was obvious that she was dressed for the occasion and ready to learn. Sniper smiled, which from the girl's point of view, was rather disturbing. A man maybe 20 years older than her scanning her and then smiling deviously? She hoped he wasn't one of the bad people who would touch her in the no-no area.

"Hello little Sheila, would you like to learn what I do?"

The girl's thoughts were interrupted by the middle-aged sharp-shooter standing before her, she looked at him with her blue eyes.

"H-How do you know my name?" The girl replied timidly, but confidently.

"Your parents named you Sheila?"

The girl, now identified as Sheila, nodded. She didn't like the look of this man, but after seeing a black drunk forcing alcohol down his throat, a man with a ski-mask over his head and a… thing with a gas mask and an asbestos suit covering his body, she supposed that he was… normal at the most.

Sniper rose from his seat at the dinner hall and approached Sheila, who stepped forward while dusting off her dress. Sniper didn't need to turn around and look to know that his teammates were silently cursing him. Oh yes, he knew he made the right choice.

Sniper gestured with a finger point towards some double doors at the end of the dinner hall.

"We go that way."

And so the remaining 8 mercenaries and children watched as Sniper led Sheila out of the dinner hall. Once the doors had shut with an audible bang, Scout went mad.

"AUUUGH!" He picked the sensible one! That no good mother-"

He suddenly cut himself off, remembering that he was in the presence of children. Scout blushed and turned around while silently cursing himself.

Lots of giggles came from the remaining children.

"OHHHHHH! You nearly said a swear word!"

Scout's face was as red as a cherry now, he was getting told by 10-year olds, he was losing it… And fast.

"I gotta get a grip, man" He silently whispered to himself.

The children were silenced by a loud voice, but not loud enough to match the Soldier's. Though with a bit of age and practice it could get there.

"Silence! I don't care that he nearly swore! All I care is how that… Girl was even allowed to come here in the first place, let alone get picked FIRST! Women should stay at home and cook and clean! BECAUSE THAT IS THE AMERICAN WAY!"

Soldier stood up from his chair, clapping loudly with tears streaming down his cheeks.

"That was beautiful!" Soldier cried.

"Who was the child that said that sentence? That was truly poetic!"

A child rose from the others, chest puffed out proudly and a soldier toy in his hand. He had a low army haircut and was dressed in khaki uniform. His brown eyes glinted in the light. In all honesty it was somewhat cute. But Soldier didn't care; he ran up to the child and threw him over his shoulder.

"Boy, me and you are in this together, as Americans. I will teach you everything I know, from how to handle a rocket launcher, to the teachings of Sun Tzu."

"If fighting is sure to result in victory then you must fight! Chapter One: Line Six of The Art of War Sir!" The boy replied while having a straight face.

Soldier just giggled like a little girl and darted out of the dinner hall with the boy still draped over his shoulder, all while singing The Star Spangled Banner. It was terrible to be honest, and the pitching was off key. But it was sung by an American, so to Soldier that was all-right.

The 7 remaining mercs just sat at the table, jaws dropped so far that they rested on the table.

"What just happened?" Asked the Engineer, almost at a loss for words.

"Hell has finally frozen over… There are two of them now…" Medic said gobsmacked. "Heavy, you know what to do…"

"No doctor!" Heavy said calmly. "Not in front of literal tiny baby men."

"Heavy! THERE'S TWO OF THEM! GET ME THE SUICIDE PILL HEAVY!"

It took the entire team (Minus a passed out Demoman) to hold down the crazed Medic who was trying to squirm his way to the infirmary. Heavy went across to where the doctor's head was.

Heavy then somewhat lightly tapped the back of the doctor's head, but… because of Heavy's abnormally large hand it felt like being hit by a truck at 90 mph to Medic. The unlicensed doctor then fell to the table cold. Heavy then turned toward the small crowd of children and gave them a sheepish look.

"Um, doctor is… tired at the moment." Heavy pathetically said.

"Eh, it's no big deal." A boy from the group said. Our teacher tried to do the same thing when his brother was scheduled to move into our class.

Meanwhile Sniper and Sheila were nearly at Sniper's personal training ground.

"Excuse me Mister." Sheila started

"Sniper, call me Sniper."

"Sniper, how long is it, my feet hurt." Sheila complained

"We've been walking for five minutes, and it's a large base" Sniper replied in a mock-complaining voice. Sheila pouted and decided that while she and Sniper were walking, she could at least try to kill time.

"Who is he?" Sheila asked pointing to an aged picture.

"Blutarch Mann." Sniper replied bluntly.

Sheila was not satisfied

"What is that?"

"The Control room."

"Oh! What's that?"

"The toilets."

"Where are we going?"

"You know the answer to that."

"Are we coming back?"

"Yes."

"What's in there?"

"Nothing of your concern."

"How old are you?"

"Older than you."

"Do you have a girlfriend?

"No."

"It's because you're old, and need to shave… and need to use deodorant… and smell of… wee?"

Sniper's eyes widened. Luckily they were at the nest, which was Sniper's saving grace.

"Okay we're here now… Up we go…" as he gestured to a ladder.

Sniper then remembered something…

THE JARATE!

"Oh my gosh!" A female voice screamed from the nest.

"Saving grace my ass." Sniper silently cursed as he scrambled up the ladder.

"You wee in jars!" Sheila laughed loudly. "You're a bum!"

"I am not a bum!" Sniper protested loudly!

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too! You're a smelly bum that wees in jars! I hope you don't teach me how to wee in jars!"

Sniper was about to make a comeback when a red sniper rifle dot caught his attention.

"Sheila get down on the floor NOW!" He screamed loudly as he grabbed his sniper rifle. Sheila panicked, thinking the Sniper would shoot her she quickly obeyed. Quivering like a leaf she dropped to the floor, shaking while sobbing.

Sniper ducked behind his window and watched his wall until the dot went away. He jumped up, aimed for the offending RED Sniper's head and…

"Wait, is he laughing?"

Sure enough, the RED Sniper was laughing really hard. The BLU Sniper was puzzled, but then he realized. Arguing with a 10-year old did not look cool. With a snarl he shut the blinds and turned to face his apprentice, who was still on the floor. He reached out to touch her.

"No! Please don't hurt me, I'm sorry!" Sheila sobbed loudly. Sniper felt his heart melt, he didn't even explain what was going on, and now he had a confused, terrified and sobbing 10 year old child on his carpet. For a professional like him, this would not do, not one bit.

"Look, I'm sorry Sheila. I didn't explain anything to you, one of the bad guys was going to hurt you, I did what I could to protect you.

"No, you liar! You were going to hurt me. I want to go home! Please, let me go home!"

Sniper sighed and looked around his dull nest to find something to at least get the child to stay here. All he had were dusty ornaments, no child would want those. When his eyes rested on his Jarate he had a eureka moment.

"You're right. You wouldn't want me to touch you, after all. I'm just a bum."

The sobbing immediately stopped coming from the carpet. The girl laid perfectly still for 5 seconds, before replying.

"A bum that does what?"

Sniper sighed in defeat. He'd let her have this one, just this once.

"A bum that wees in jars…"

Sheila giggled from underneath the carpet. Then she slowly rose, Sniper could see the tear stains on her cheeks as well as her red eyes.

"I forgive you Sniper."

"Thank you, Sheila. Now come, let's get you some ice cream."

"Aww, we gotta walk all the way back?"

And with that, Sniper grabbed Sheila by the hips and hoisted her onto his shoulders.

"Yay! Piggy back ride!" She cheered in delight.

Sniper started the ride down the ladder and through the hallway, when suddenly.

"Who is that?" Sheila asked while pointing to a picture of Blutarch.

And Sniper explained the story of Blutarch and Redmond. All the way back to the dinner hall, and Sheila enjoyed every last part of it.


End file.
